ARE YOU AT THE FRONT OF YOUR OWN LINE
                 OR IN BACK BEHIND EVERYONE ELSE?

Recently, I was asked to share my story of transformation.  On the surface, it is a story of physical healing and the basic emotional growth that takes place when one undergoes a physical healing process.  On a deeper level and at it's core, my story is actually one of putting myself first and adopting Self Love.  It is a story of seizing the life I knew I was meant to have, of taking back control of my destiny and learning to love myself first and always.  

When my clients first start working with me, some of them desire a quick fix and a plan to get from A to Z.  Many people want me to tell them what to do.  While we can create the most comprehensive "plan", it is irrelevant if you aren't willing or ready to put your dreams first and take the steps to make them a reality for yourself.  You can go to healers, coaches, gurus, enlightened teachers and mentors.  But if you aren't willing to love yourself through the transformative process then the healing and growth won't occur.  Only you can evolve yourself.  

Each of us is worth it.  Each of us deserves all the good in the world and each of us can conquer those obstacles that feel insurmountable.  The trick to following your transformative path begins with SELF LOVE.  It starts with putting yourself and your dreams FIRST, even though it might be scary.

PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST.  NOT KIND OF FIRST.  REALLY FIRST.
In my own story, I realized that in order to heal my body and create the life that I TRULY wanted, I had to put myself first.  I mean really first - before EVERYONE and EVERYTHING else that I knew.  EVERYONE and EVERYTHING:  My clients who provided my income.  My sister who was going through a life-altering divorce at the exact same time that my health issues hit and needed my support.  My parents who needed me to explain my symptoms.  My girlfriends who needed a friend to listen.  My work community that required me to network regularly to remain successful.  My social plans that kept my calendar full and exciting.  The men who wanted to date the fun, outgoing version of me that I no longer resonated with being.  

I had to put myself and my dream life first.  The real me.  The me that always knew I was destined for greatness.  The me that knew I would marry the right partner.  The me that came here to fulfill a purpose and make an impact.  The me that at that time resided in a body that was struggling with relentless fatigue, digestive and immune issues.  The me that needed time out to rest and recharge.

Putting myself first required great honesty with myself.  First I had to admit that I actually had needs.  Then I had to swallow the fact that if I didn't address these needs that my health and life would suffer.  I would remain in a mediocre place of life being good rather than glorious.  Then I needed to accept my needs as valid and I had to practice not judging myself for having needs.  Then I needed to communicate these needs and boundaries to other people.  I had to learn to receive support from people.  And finally (and most importantly), I had to let go of needing to please everyone else.  I had to let go of needing to be perfect.  I had to let go of the fear that others would be un-fixably disappointed or damaged if I put myself first.  

AFRAID OF BEING SELFISH
Many people, especially women, are afraid to put themselves first.  Society labels this as "selfish".  We are fed the story that in order to be generous, kind, loving and connected to our loved ones, we must be self less.  There is a common fear that we will disappoint others if we tell them no or not right now, if we put our own needs first.  We are so afraid that others will be mad at us if we do what makes us happy, if we speak our truth, if we have boundaries and practice self love.  We are so afraid of what we might loose by putting ourselves first that we don't even consider how we actually feel or what we truly want in the first place.  

The problem with this is that it keeps us from becoming our full, true selves.  We become tired, resentful, lazy, needy and unable to give to others the way they actually deserve.  However when we put ourselves first and voice our needs, it allows us to recharge our tanks, to be happy and full.  From that place our capacity for others increases exponentially and we can actually give generously and thoughtfully.  

WE GAIN MORE THAN WE LOOSE
At first it can feel counter-intuitive to put yourself first but over time you'll gain so much more than you're afraid of loosing.  I have a client who was focused on being a good provider to his family.  His initial assumption was that he couldn't properly provide for them if he followed his dream career so he remained stuck in mediocracy until he couldn't take it any longer.  As we worked on developing and actualizing his dreams over time, he began to see how much more he provided for his family once he was aligned with his life's purpose and making that a priority in his life.  Not only was he able to provide financially for his family, but he became a wiser, calmer, more supportive and engaged husband and father.  That is priceless!

Personally, by putting myself first, I gained my dream life.  Seriously.  Looking back, I now laugh at what I was afraid to loose because those things are so out of alignment with my truth and dreams.  They were simply familiar and that's why I was afraid to let them go.  Turns out that I didn't love my old career and when I chose instead to follow my passion, I finally became deeply fulfilled and financially successful.  Turns out that the honest, difficult conversations between my sister and I served as an opportunity to share ourselves fully and become very close and accepting of one another.  Turns out that some of my old acquaintances and colleagues didn't interest me to begin with and when I admitted that I was finally able to create deeper connections with others.  Turns out that the men I was afraid to disappoint by being the real me weren't actually conscious or grounded enough to be potential life partners for me anyways.  They certainly didn't embody the qualities that my life partner so naturally does.  Wow!  Wow!  See how much can open up for you when you start putting yourself first?

WHAT DO YOU NEED?
So, what do you need to be honest with yourself about?  What needs do you have that are begging for your attention?  What type of self care are you in need of?  What might you gain if you put yourself and your dreams first?  What tanks might fill up by taking the risk to make putting yourself first a priority?

Consider this:  how might your genuine capacity and generosity for others expand if your tanks were actually full, if you truly came alive by putting yourself first?

PUT YOUR OXYGEN MASK ON FIRST
Putting yourself first is an act of self love and a generous, loving act towards others.  It creates room for inspiration and ideas as well as energy to execute on them.  It creates space to listen and hear others' opinions.  It creates capacity to make a positive impact on others.  Putting yourself first doesn't mean ignoring your children, your partner, your friends or clients.  It means that you respect yourself enough to love yourself as much as you love them.  It means that you prioritize showing up as the best version of yourself for them.  It means enforcing boundaries so that you can tend to your own needs in addition to tending to others.  Self love is an act of surrendering to our true selves and to our basic needs.  It is an act of open-ness and receiving support from the right people on our journey.

Think about the emergency precautions speech that is given every time you take a flight.  We are reminded to put our oxygen mask on first before putting it on someone else in need.  Here are a few tricks to help you start putting yourself first so you can be happy, aligned and positively generous with others. 

1.  LISTEN TO THE WHISPER.
Honor your inner whisper by giving it your full attention and promising to follow it.  Often times it is a very quiet voice inside that tells to us what we need or what feels right.  Practice listening to that voice and identifying what you truly need in any given situation.

2.  SPEAK UP.
Once we identify our needs, we must learn to communicate them.  Otherwise change won't happen.  Practice speaking your truth completely honestly and saying no when you need to.  No doesn't mean never, it more likely means just not right now.  Be grateful when declining invitations or setting boundaries.  Let people know that you will be happy to oblige once your tanks are refueled.  Answer questions truthfully, take a risk to say what you really think or feel.  Ask for help.  See what opens up for you.

3. SMALL DOSES WORK WONDERS.
Often times people won't put themselves first because they believe they don't have the time.  I see this with mothers who over extend themselves regularly.  People believe that they don't have time to rest, paint, sing, go for a walk or take a break.  That's simply not true!  Feel free to read my article on how you must make the time for pleasure HERE.  A simple 5 - 15 minutes can make all the difference.  Sit in your car for 5 minutes and meditate before picking up your kids.  Paint for 10 minutes before you head out the door.  Take a 15 minute power nap.  Walk around the block.  It is unrealistic to wait for everything to be perfect before putting yourself first.  

I invite you to take the risk of putting yourself first.  See if you can do so in the most loving way to yourself and others.  See what tanks of yours become full and how your capacity for others increases by doing so.  

Please share your comments!  I would love to hear what shifts for you once you allow yourself yourself to step to the front of the line.  Enjoy!

Shine On,
Rony

"Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life." 
- Eckhart Tolle

The other day I was talking to a woman on the phone who expressed her longing to make some art.  We had an entire conversation about the things she could create and how much she craved it, however when I asked her when she would do it she said: "Oh, I'm too busy with paperwork and obligations at home, I don't have the time.  I have to find the time for it."

I was struck by two things.  First, that she longed to engage in her creative side but wasn't making it a priority.  And second, that she believed she had to find the time instead of understanding that it was her responsibility to make the time for the things she loves.


We've all done this to some extent before.  I'll go running this weekend - tonight I need to finish this pile of paperwork.  I'll go on vacation later in the year after my big project is complete.  I'll go shopping for new clothes once I loose the ten pounds.  I'll make time in my schedule for romance when I find the right person.  I'll quit the corporate world to follow my dream after I make a little more money.  I'll eat lunch after I finish these emails.

A COMMON OVERSIGHT
This is very common.  The problem is that this is a passive approach to life.  It assumes that things just happen to us or will happen if they're meant to be.  It overlooks the fact that we create our own reality.  I see this all the time with people and I'm guilty of forgetting this important responsibility myself at times.  I talk to people on a regular basis who approach me about wanting to coach together.  Many of them are ready to say YES to themselves and the life they truly want right now.  I applaud them for it and I jump in with them right away.  Yet many are hesitant to say YES to themselves right now.  They know they want change, they know that what' they've been doing so far is not creating the level of fulfillment and excitement they want.  Some have even moved on from the job, the relationship or the location that wasn't working for them.  And yet, they believe that later is a better time to jump on the journey of YES to their DREAM LIFE.  Later this year is a better time to engage in the personal work that will create fulfillment, empowerment, connection, purpose, joy and love.  Later when I have more money.  Later when I have more time.  Later after I just do this one other thing.  Really?  The love of your life, the passion and purpose, health and energy you crave can wait until later?  

A HARD TRUTH
Over time what happens is that nothing changes.  The dream relationship, job, home, health, balance, etc. do not just show up.  We fail to engage in making the necessary changes in our life now, so... things stay the same. Unfortunately, later never happens.

ARE YOU LETTING YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES RUN YOUR SHOW?
This cycle of being stuck where you don't want to be occurs for several reasons.  The first is due to the fear of moving forward (ie "what if I fail", etc.).  The second is because we think that everything has to be perfect or figured out before we can do what we truly want.  Each of these reasons are separate topics that warrant their own blog posts and I will write more about them in the future.  The third and major reason that most people put fulfillment off for later is because they believe that their circumstances determine how they live and what choices they get to make.  People believe that they cannot afford to take a vacation, set boundaries or engage in activities that bring them joy because of family, work, money, health issues or other responsibilities.  While indeed there are some circumstances that we cannot change, more often than not, we are in the drivers seat of our own lives and it is our responsibility to choose what we make a priority and what we don't.  Your happiness is not waiting for you out there somewhere in the future.  Your happiness is yours now and it will continue to be available in the future if you start allowing for it to exist today.  

Later never comes.  This is because we continue to engage in the patterns that we are involved in today.  In fact, today is yesterday's later.  Are you on vacation in Hawaii?  Are you feeling the breeze touch your face on that afternoon walk or covered in clay in that pottery class?  Are you in the relationship or job of your dreams?  Most people are not.  We must be intentional and make the conscious choice to prioritize pleasure in the midst of work and responsibilities.  It doesn't just happen on it's own.  We must create room for it, prioritize it, schedule it, pay the money for it and seize it now.

AN INVITATION
I'm not saying that you need to engage in reckless, irresponsible behavior that threatens your stability or well-being.  Rather, I am inviting you engage in what you long for now.  Don't wait.  Do it anyways, in addition to everything else.  Take a much needed short vacation this weekend.  Indulge in morning meditation before you check your email or phone.  Make room in your closet for your ideal lover now even though you've never met them.  Pay for the class you are dying to take even though you don't know how you can afford it.  I guarantee you that doing so will light a fire in you to work harder and generate the extra income you need.  I guarantee you that your determination to heal your heart and find your mate will become unstoppable.  I guarantee you that the joy you get from painting for 20 minutes today will give you that extra energy you need to finish the rest of your tasks around the house.  That is the magic of now.

THE POWER OF ENGAGING IN THE NOW: A USEFUL TRICK & 2 SUCCESS STORIES
You can start practicing all of the above by creating what I like to call "in-between" moments.  These are moments throughout the day that we insert into more structured, daily routines.  You can create an "in-between" moment in the middle of a busy work day, while you are with your kids, in overwhelming social situations, anywhere.  They can be as short as a deep breath and as long as a week's vacation.

To illustrate the power of this practice, I am inspired to share two client success stories.  I have two clients each of whom used to power through working at their desk all day, making them tired and resentful at the end of the day.  They begun practicing taking a break from their desk to get a glass of water or take a walk around the block outside to breath in fresh air.  They would insert these refreshing moments "in-between" everything else they were doing.  This helped them become balanced and allowed them build the muscle of engaging in the now.  Over time, this muscle became so integrated into their daily life that they began to honor their dreams fully.  A simple break for fresh air was no longer enough.  One of these clients ended up leaving the corporate job that she didn't like and branching out on her own to become a successful and happy solo-prenuer.  The other client learned invaluable lessons around creating and expressing boundaries which ultimately gave her the confidence to heal important relationships with loved ones and create deeper connections in her life.  Wow - all of this from engaging in the now!

START THE REST OF YOUR LIFE NOW
One of my favorite movie quotes comes from the movie When Harry Met Sally.  It is in the scene towards the end of the movie in which Harry runs across town to profess his love to Sally.  He says to her: "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."  I invite you to take on this attitude towards your life and your dreams.  Engage in them now.  Give them your attention, your time, your money and your energy in the smallest and biggest ways you can imagine.  Go for it!  Don't wait until later.  You will be enormously grateful that you allowed yourself to experience more joy, freedom, balance, health and purpose in between all of life's other moments.  

I am excited to hear what opens up for you in the now!  Please share your comments and questions below.

Shine On,
Rony