ARE YOU AT THE FRONT OF YOUR OWN LINE
OR IN BACK BEHIND EVERYONE ELSE?
Recently, I was asked to share my story of transformation. On the surface, it is a story of physical healing and the basic emotional growth that takes place when one undergoes a physical healing process. On a deeper level and at it's core, my story is actually one of putting myself first and adopting Self Love. It is a story of seizing the life I knew I was meant to have, of taking back control of my destiny and learning to love myself first and always.
When my clients first start working with me, some of them desire a quick fix and a plan to get from A to Z. Many people want me to tell them what to do. While we can create the most comprehensive "plan", it is irrelevant if you aren't willing or ready to put your dreams first and take the steps to make them a reality for yourself. You can go to healers, coaches, gurus, enlightened teachers and mentors. But if you aren't willing to love yourself through the transformative process then the healing and growth won't occur. Only you can evolve yourself.
Each of us is worth it. Each of us deserves all the good in the world and each of us can conquer those obstacles that feel insurmountable. The trick to following your transformative path begins with SELF LOVE. It starts with putting yourself and your dreams FIRST, even though it might be scary.
PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST. NOT KIND OF FIRST. REALLY FIRST.
In my own story, I realized that in order to heal my body and create the life that I TRULY wanted, I had to put myself first. I mean really first - before EVERYONE and EVERYTHING else that I knew. EVERYONE and EVERYTHING: My clients who provided my income. My sister who was going through a life-altering divorce at the exact same time that my health issues hit and needed my support. My parents who needed me to explain my symptoms. My girlfriends who needed a friend to listen. My work community that required me to network regularly to remain successful. My social plans that kept my calendar full and exciting. The men who wanted to date the fun, outgoing version of me that I no longer resonated with being.
I had to put myself and my dream life first. The real me. The me that always knew I was destined for greatness. The me that knew I would marry the right partner. The me that came here to fulfill a purpose and make an impact. The me that at that time resided in a body that was struggling with relentless fatigue, digestive and immune issues. The me that needed time out to rest and recharge.
Putting myself first required great honesty with myself. First I had to admit that I actually had needs. Then I had to swallow the fact that if I didn't address these needs that my health and life would suffer. I would remain in a mediocre place of life being good rather than glorious. Then I needed to accept my needs as valid and I had to practice not judging myself for having needs. Then I needed to communicate these needs and boundaries to other people. I had to learn to receive support from people. And finally (and most importantly), I had to let go of needing to please everyone else. I had to let go of needing to be perfect. I had to let go of the fear that others would be un-fixably disappointed or damaged if I put myself first.
AFRAID OF BEING SELFISH
Many people, especially women, are afraid to put themselves first. Society labels this as "selfish". We are fed the story that in order to be generous, kind, loving and connected to our loved ones, we must be self less. There is a common fear that we will disappoint others if we tell them no or not right now, if we put our own needs first. We are so afraid that others will be mad at us if we do what makes us happy, if we speak our truth, if we have boundaries and practice self love. We are so afraid of what we might loose by putting ourselves first that we don't even consider how we actually feel or what we truly want in the first place.
The problem with this is that it keeps us from becoming our full, true selves. We become tired, resentful, lazy, needy and unable to give to others the way they actually deserve. However when we put ourselves first and voice our needs, it allows us to recharge our tanks, to be happy and full. From that place our capacity for others increases exponentially and we can actually give generously and thoughtfully.
WE GAIN MORE THAN WE LOOSE
At first it can feel counter-intuitive to put yourself first but over time you'll gain so much more than you're afraid of loosing. I have a client who was focused on being a good provider to his family. His initial assumption was that he couldn't properly provide for them if he followed his dream career so he remained stuck in mediocracy until he couldn't take it any longer. As we worked on developing and actualizing his dreams over time, he began to see how much more he provided for his family once he was aligned with his life's purpose and making that a priority in his life. Not only was he able to provide financially for his family, but he became a wiser, calmer, more supportive and engaged husband and father. That is priceless!
Personally, by putting myself first, I gained my dream life. Seriously. Looking back, I now laugh at what I was afraid to loose because those things are so out of alignment with my truth and dreams. They were simply familiar and that's why I was afraid to let them go. Turns out that I didn't love my old career and when I chose instead to follow my passion, I finally became deeply fulfilled and financially successful. Turns out that the honest, difficult conversations between my sister and I served as an opportunity to share ourselves fully and become very close and accepting of one another. Turns out that some of my old acquaintances and colleagues didn't interest me to begin with and when I admitted that I was finally able to create deeper connections with others. Turns out that the men I was afraid to disappoint by being the real me weren't actually conscious or grounded enough to be potential life partners for me anyways. They certainly didn't embody the qualities that my life partner so naturally does. Wow! Wow! See how much can open up for you when you start putting yourself first?
WHAT DO YOU NEED?
So, what do you need to be honest with yourself about? What needs do you have that are begging for your attention? What type of self care are you in need of? What might you gain if you put yourself and your dreams first? What tanks might fill up by taking the risk to make putting yourself first a priority?
Consider this: how might your genuine capacity and generosity for others expand if your tanks were actually full, if you truly came alive by putting yourself first?
PUT YOUR OXYGEN MASK ON FIRST
Putting yourself first is an act of self love and a generous, loving act towards others. It creates room for inspiration and ideas as well as energy to execute on them. It creates space to listen and hear others' opinions. It creates capacity to make a positive impact on others. Putting yourself first doesn't mean ignoring your children, your partner, your friends or clients. It means that you respect yourself enough to love yourself as much as you love them. It means that you prioritize showing up as the best version of yourself for them. It means enforcing boundaries so that you can tend to your own needs in addition to tending to others. Self love is an act of surrendering to our true selves and to our basic needs. It is an act of open-ness and receiving support from the right people on our journey.
Think about the emergency precautions speech that is given every time you take a flight. We are reminded to put our oxygen mask on first before putting it on someone else in need. Here are a few tricks to help you start putting yourself first so you can be happy, aligned and positively generous with others.
1. LISTEN TO THE WHISPER.
Honor your inner whisper by giving it your full attention and promising to follow it. Often times it is a very quiet voice inside that tells to us what we need or what feels right. Practice listening to that voice and identifying what you truly need in any given situation.
2. SPEAK UP.
Once we identify our needs, we must learn to communicate them. Otherwise change won't happen. Practice speaking your truth completely honestly and saying no when you need to. No doesn't mean never, it more likely means just not right now. Be grateful when declining invitations or setting boundaries. Let people know that you will be happy to oblige once your tanks are refueled. Answer questions truthfully, take a risk to say what you really think or feel. Ask for help. See what opens up for you.
3. SMALL DOSES WORK WONDERS.
Often times people won't put themselves first because they believe they don't have the time. I see this with mothers who over extend themselves regularly. People believe that they don't have time to rest, paint, sing, go for a walk or take a break. That's simply not true! Feel free to read my article on how you must make the time for pleasure HERE. A simple 5 - 15 minutes can make all the difference. Sit in your car for 5 minutes and meditate before picking up your kids. Paint for 10 minutes before you head out the door. Take a 15 minute power nap. Walk around the block. It is unrealistic to wait for everything to be perfect before putting yourself first.
I invite you to take the risk of putting yourself first. See if you can do so in the most loving way to yourself and others. See what tanks of yours become full and how your capacity for others increases by doing so.
Please share your comments! I would love to hear what shifts for you once you allow yourself yourself to step to the front of the line. Enjoy!
Shine On,
Rony
WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN SAVE OURSELVES.
Inevitably on the path of transformation and self-actualization, there comes a moment when we feel as though we are totally alone. We long for someone to fix us, to tell us what we need to do, to share "the" secret with us and yet somehow that doesn't seem to fix things.
While this may feel like an excruciatingly lonely or frustrating time, it is actually one of the most magical, special moments on the path to awakening to your true self. For this is the moment when you get to be completely and utterly with yourself. You have the gift, the opportunity and the choice as to whether or not you will keep walking forward with yourself and ultimately develop a deeper relationship with your true self. It is critical to have support on the path - from community, teachers, healers, coaches, friends and family (biological or otherwise). And yet, none of those people can save us. We are the only ones who can truly save ourselves. We are the ones who get to choose if we will love ourselves and practice self compassion as we let ourselves emerge or if we will reside in a mindset of despair, frustration and defeat. We are the ones who decide if we will rise up from the ashes and ask for help and if we will keep moving towards our dreams when help does not arrive.
I invite you to see this moment as the biggest gift the Universe has ever given you. Seize it as your opportunity to take a stand for yourself and to commit to doing what ever it takes to actualize who you truly are in this life. I promise you that as soon as you accept that you are on this journey by yourself and for yourself, that things will shift. The right support systems and cheer leaders will emerge. The fog will begin to clear and your path to deep fulfillment, purpose, joy and authentic self expression will become illuminated step by step.
You are a perfect human being who is creative, resourceful and whole in your most natural state and at this very moment. Trust the whisper inside you. Trust your abilities. Trust that as you keep evolving you will experience the great abundance, love and magic of this world more and more. Below is one of my favorite poems by the great poet Mary Oliver. I am inspired to share it with you so that it may support you in moving forward on YOUR path no matter what.
Shine On,
Rony
The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.
~ Mary Oliver ~
When you re-invent yourself through conscious inner work and by taking responsibility for your life, things begin to shift. First there are internal shifts such as a deeper sense of inner peace, freedom or clarity and then external shifts start to take place such as meeting inspiring people who support your path or understanding how you can finally move on from that thing/person who has been holding you back. More than anything, as we begin to live in alignment with our values, the purest form of who we are begins to emerge. I experienced this first hand and continue to feel it deepening as I refine and embody my truth more over time. I see it in clients who begin to identify their core values and put themselves first, out-growing old patterns and discarding sabotaging illusions. I see it when we remove processed foods and toxins from the body and allow our body to be nourished by clean, whole foods - a pureness and power is created on a physical level. We return home to our truest selves. Life becomes rich. I am inspired to share one of my favorite poems with you that poetically describes how it feels to SEE YOURSELF, the TRUE YOU once again or maybe for the first time ever. It is called Love After Love.
Inviting all of you to feast on your life and to join me on this magical journey of living as the TRUE YOU.
Shine On,
Rony | |
LOVE AFTER LOVE
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
By Derek Walcott
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ENJOYING THE VIEW FROM THE TOP
Often as a coach, I hear people struggle with how much further they have to go until they get "there". During a process of growth and transformation it is natural to have your eye on the prize and it is critical in keeping you on the right path. Yet considering life in the context of an end result can be overwhelming and defeating. Instead of focusing on the final outcome, what if we gave ourselves permission to celebrate our successes along the way?
A WONDERFUL MOMENT ON MY PATH
Yesterday I reached my own personal pinnacle on this journey of living my truth. I had some powerful A-Ha's that brought great clarity and provided a sense of contentment as well as pride for all of the work I've done to get me to where I am today. To celebrate, I hiked to the top of Mount Tamalpais roughly 30 minutes north of San Francisco and basked in the magnificence of what it meant to "reach the top". This picture doesn't do the view justice. It was a 360 degree view of the entire San Francisco Bay, the Pacific Ocean, the mountains, the trees, the coastal fog and city's structures. It was simply breath taking to stand in nature, experience the wind in my face and feel the vastness of possibility before me. I literally felt on top of the world. I allowed myself to celebrate this moment in time.
GIVING YOURSELF A NECK CRAMP
Why is it that we forget to celebrate the little pinnacles we reach along our journey? We can become so focused on the ultimate result that we overlook the triumphs we are experiencing on a daily basis. The truth is that there is always further to go. Once we reach one peak, we are exposed to the next. Just as a baby wants to run once it has mastered walking, we too can always see the next opportunity before us. Imagine if you were hiking up a mountain this way though. If your gaze was always up, you would likely trip (or give yourself a neck cramp!). While it is critical to have a clear vision of where you are headed, it is also important to fully appreciate where you are right now.
INVITATION TO CELEBRATE
I invite you to celebrate yourself, your achievements, both big and small up until now. Celebrate all of the wonderful things in your life at this very moment. Honor the internal work you have done to become more authentic, to speak what is true for you, to risk for the sake of being happier. Pat yourself on the back for the times when you fell but got up again anyways; for the things you have outgrown, the new habits you've created and for the people you have forgiven, including yourself. Celebrate how you have changed and who you are now becoming. You don't have to wait until you are at the top of Mount Everest. We climb little mountains of magnificence every day of our lives.
ENJOYING THE VIEW AT THE TOP
Allow yourself to recognize that at this moment you are at the top of a mountain. It may not be the tallest mountain peak on earth, but it's certainly higher than where you were in the past. Bask in the glory of the view from up here. What have you overcome? What has made you stronger... or softer, more open or aware? Look out and see what's possible from here. Soak it all in. If you live in a place where you can go for a hike, I invite you to climb a small mountain to symbolize reaching your successes. Once you get to the top, take a moment to feel it all and congratulate yourself!
I'd love to hear what mountains you've climbed recently and how you are celebrating your efforts! Feel free to share your comments below.
Shine On,
Rony
 Recently in the 6-week Intuitive Wellness Workshop that I co-facilitated with holistic fitness guru Polina Smith, I introduced our workshop participants to the power of positive affirmations, especially as it relates to our health. Embodying total wellness requires that we honor all parts of ourselves - the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual elements that make us who we are. Therefore, we must closely examine our internal dialogue, thoughts, word choices, etc. as they play a POWERFUL role in creating our lives. At the forefront of the mind-body movement is world renowned metaphysical teacher and healer, Louise Hay. She is known as the queen of positive affirmations, has worked with thousands of people around the globe and has authored hundreds of books, cds, etc. providing guidance on how changing your thoughts can change your life. You can learn more about Louise Hay, her offerings and products at her website: www.louisehay.com. I am inspired to share to share some teachings from one of my favorite Louise Hay book/cd sets titled "I Can Do It: How To Use Affirmations To Change Your Life". To purchase the book visit Amazon.com or LouiseHay.com. In this book/audio series, Louise teaches us that how we think, feel and speak towards and about our bodies plays a critical role in determining our state of health. In it, she writes: "If you want to create better health in your body there are definitely some things you must not do. You must not get angry at your body for any reason. Anger is another affirmation, and it's telling your body that you hate it, or parts of it. Your cells are very aware of every thought you have. Think of your body as a servant that's working as hard as it can to keep you in perfect health no matter how you treat it. You'll never create good health by talking or thinking about your illness. Good health comes from love and appreciation. You want to put as much love into your body as you possibly can. Talk to it and stroke it in loving ways. If there's a part of your body that's ailing or dis-eased, then you want to treat it as you would a sick little child. Tell it how much you love it, and that you're doing everything you can to help it get well quickly." Here are some positive affirmations from Louise that you can begin to recite to yourself daily to shift the power of your thoughts. I invite you to say them aloud to yourself. Doing so in front of the mirror can be especially transformative. "I enjoy the foods that are best for my body. I love every cell of my body."
"I look forward to a healthy old age because I take loving care of my body now."
"I am constantly discovering new ways to improve my health."
"I return my body to optimal health by giving it what it needs on every level."
"Healing happens! I get my mind out of the way and allow the intelligence of my body to do its healing work naturally."
"My body is always doing its best to create perfect health."
"I am grateful to be alive today. It is my joy and pleasure to live another wonderful day."
"Perfect health is my divine right and I claim it now."
"I am willing to ask for help when I need it. I always choose the health professional who is just right for my needs."Below is the audio version of these affirmations. If you are in a healing process, this track may help you realize how your negative thoughts and words are impacting your dis-ease state. You may begin to see how important your emotional/mental mindset is towards healing. Take a listen and let me know what you think. If you like what you hear, then please honor Louise Hay by purchasing the book/cd. It is packed with wonderful tips about all areas of life, health being just one of them. We create our lives by the thoughts, words and actions that we choose. Remember your innate power to heal and your body's infinite wisdom. Shine On, Rony
Buddha said: “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE EVERYONE ELSE?
Valentines Day.... the holiday of LOVE. The holiday that celebrates lovebirds, chocolate, roses and relationship. For some this is a dreaded holiday where the mindset of comparison and lack suffocate any potentially positive experiences. For others, it is a time to truly be grateful for the precious, bountiful love shared with another and to celebrate the blessing of romantic partnership through expressing love.
As we experience the LOVE holiday today, I am intrigued to explore another important avenue of love; quite possibly the most important loving relationship we will ever have: the one with ourselves. What if we took all of the energy that is funneled into Valentine's Day and focused it on loving ourselves more?
What if we gave ourselves permission to practice SELF LOVE as much as we practice loving others?
WHAT IS SELF LOVE?
Self love is at the heart of all growth and healing. It is at the core of human potential. For when self love is cultivated and allowed to blossom, the stage is set for experiencing the fullness of life and for extending natural, generous love towards others. We heal ourselves and therefore the planet through self love. It is our love for ourselves that inspires a desire for a better experience of our bodies and our lives. It is love of self that has us take responsibility for ourselves, motivates change and fortifies our commitment to our dreams, resiliency and joy. It is love of self that whispers to us to move beyond our self-sabotaging patterns and limiting beliefs and to choose instead the route that is in the best interest of everyone involved. It is self love that serves as the spring-board towards shedding our old identity and EMBODYING our new one.
Self love means loving yourself even in comparison to others. Self love means having self respect and enforcing boundaries that cultivate your highest good. Self love means having the courage to put yourself first, even though you are afraid others may be disappointed, so that you can refuel your tanks and actually increase your capacity for others. Self love means accepting all of who you are - the good, the bad, the radiant and the not so radiant parts of your body and your personality. Self love means identifying your core values and then going out and actually living your life in alignment with those things that are most important to you. It means seeing self care as generous, not selfish. Self love means spending time with those people who support you and light you up and having the courage to gently let go of those relationships that are toxic and draining to you.
WHAT DOES SELF-LOVE CREATE?
When our self-love tanks become full, we begin to heal - emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. We begin to develop the graceful ability to sit with all of who we are and be whole. From there we become vulnerable, brave, loving and open. Life becomes juicy. Others now enhance our internal happiness as opposed to being the false source of happiness that we cling to. When we consciously fill our self-love tanks, we begin to build the muscle of positivity, attractiveness, alignment, inner peace and authentic empowerment. We develop courage, compassion, freedom and fulfillment. It is like tending to the soil of a great tree. When we water and nurture the soil, the roots will be vibrant, the trunk will grow strong and the leaves will come alive with brilliant colors of green and red.
So on this holiday dedicated to love, I ask you: How can you love yourself more? What would your love-life look like if you loved yourself too? How can you fill your self-love tanks?
Here are some TIPS for creating more self-love in your life:
MIRROR EXERCISE
Stand in front of the mirror (preferably naked!) and take a look at yourself. You may notice some critical thoughts enter your mind immediately about your body. If you need to, spend 30 seconds being critical. Get it out of the way. Then.... take a couple of long, deep breaths. Look into your own eyes and proclaim out loud to yourself: "I love you. I really love you.". You may repeat this a few times if you like. Then begin to shower your body with love. Speak lovingly to each part of your body that you see. Say out loud: "I love you eyes". "I love you ears; thank you for letting me hear such beautiful, loving statements". "I love you arms, you are strong". "I love you thighs, you are feminine and sultry". Notice what shifts. Do this every day for 3 weeks and see what changes for you.
LOVE LIST
Take a blank piece of paper and for 10 minutes write down all the things that you love about yourself. They can be significant or tiny. See if you can reach up to 20 things or more. For example: I love that I love my family. I love my dorky sense of humor. I love my ability to fix things around the house. I love my voice. I love my willingness to try new things.
LOVE IN ACTION
What is 1 new way that you can demonstrate self love today? Perhaps it is through speaking authentically or standing up for yourself. Perhaps you can open up to someone and practice being vulnerable. Maybe you can treat yourself to a rejuvenating night at home with an epsom salt bath and a good movie. Practice building your muscle of self love in daily life and see what opens up for you in your life.
Our world needs the version of you that is practicing self love. Your children need it, your spouse needs it, your friends and family need it. The people who you are going to inspire need it. Give yourself permission to become whole by loving your self more. Practice loving others and receiving love on this special day from the place of fullness that self-love brings. May your love cup spillith over.
Here's to love! May it flow deeply through you and may it help your light shine bright.
I'd love to hear your comments. What do you love about yourself?
Shine on,
Rony
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